Memories of Ryan

A talk was given in Conference last weekend that I keep thinking about. I'm not sure who gave it - I'm thinking maybe the Prophet...???
Anyway, he talked about the tears shed over a grave were because of things we wish we had done or said... and to live life so we have no regrets with our loved ones...
I realize this talk was meant mostly for us to enjoy our families who are alive. But, it has made me stop and think and wonder if this is why I shed my tears or if it is something else.
I am happy to say that most of my tears are for regret of him not being able to experience all of his hopes and dreams - but as I write this the thought comes to me that he IS living his hopes and dreams... Ryan and I were good buddies growing up. I loved to play trucks just so I could play with him. We had our times when we were closer than others. After he got married we lived next door to each other and spent a lot of time together while going to school. Then he moved and they divorced and he really struggled because he missed his daughter. He was always a good man with a great heart but during these years that he struggled, we did not keep in best contact - but I don't really regret this because the last year of his life we did. We loaned Ryan a good sum of money that he intended to pay back. After his death Scott told me (and I completely agree) that the money we loaned him was the best use of our money. We are so glad that we did this for Ryan and trusted him that it would be used wisely... and it was. I think of our phone conversations during this last year and am grateful for them. Sometimes, I wish I would have made more of them... but, I also realize I spoke to him way more than I ever had and more than I spoke with most of my other family members (except for my kids and Scott). I think of the time last Halloween that Scott and I took to go visit him. Scott had classes to take and we thought Vegas would be a great place to go. Ryan took off tons of time to just hang out with me. I'm glad that I was able to see his home and places of employment and his favorite hang out spots. I am glad that we took him to a play and he enjoyed it. I wish I would have paid more attention to why he loved the play so much. I am glad that (while it might sound odd) that I got to watch a totally exhausted brother take a nap on our hotel bed (how sweet and perfect someone looks when they sleep) and to hear him talk about how comfy the bed was. I love the fact that he wanted to take me shopping. He hated to shop because of his bad back... but, he insisted we go.. he wanted me to go in and shop and to enjoy myself and he would rest on the benches outside the stores. I remember being in one of my favorite clothing stores (while Ryan was outside waiting) thinking ... this is silly, I really want to be with him and not shopping... he wanted me to be happy shopping and to be doing something I wanted to do but I am so happy and grateful that what I wanted to be doing was spending all of the time I had with him ... so, we left and he took me on a show and tell drive around the city. I am grateful that I watched him be so kind and caring giving a man who needed some extra cash his last five dollars in his pocket. I am glad that I got to watch him eat and enjoy eating some lunches... i am glad that i was able to go refill his pops when he wanted more. I am glad that we went on the roller coaster (and even though I regret not buying the day pass because I'm too tight and I had a terrible head ache), I'm glad we went on the ride. After the ride he taught me how to relax and take care of my head aches... I'm glad I get to think of him every time I get a head ache and try to relieve the pain. I wish I had purchased the picture of us on the roller coaster but need to remember that it was not a great photo and be grateful for the picture I have in my mind of us totally enjoying ourselves. I am grateful for the memories of this trip and how incredibly kind he was to me. and am grateful for the memories I have of wanting to call him the whole way home and talk to him because I missed talking to him. When I think about wishing I had spent Thanksgiving with him, I remind myself that I am so grateful that we headed home a day early so we could see him and take time to celebrate Rylee's b-day with him. Typically we would not have cut our stay short to make sure we saw Ryan but I am so grateful that we did this. Now, every time we go to our favorite pizza place I am able to picture Ryan and myself talking and laughing and I'm grateful for this. I am grateful that he and I talked and we decided to loan him some money so he could fly home for Christmas. He spent time with each of us. I can still picture him sitting at our bar and writing out a prescription for me to sleep while in China. I am grateful that he spent Christmas Eve with us and that he loved the ham with Uncle Forests yummy mustard sauce. I am so grateful that I remember his sense of humor while he was dinging the chime the loudest while we played Christmas songs with our chimes. I am grateful to see his smile in my mind as I remember him doing a cookie in dads car as he drove away with my kids and the time he spent with them. I am grateful that when i see Alvin, Simon and Theodore I remember the kindness he showed by taking my kids to the movie with he and Rylee... even though he said it wasn't as good as they use to be (the chipmunks). I am grateful that while at New Year's Eve dinner with friends I talked about how to get Ryan a job at the hospital here and when I talked to Ryan for the last time on the phone one New Year's Day that he was excited with the thoughts of moving home and practicing medicine. I am grateful that I could here the excitement through the phone. I now am grateful for the knowledge that I have that he is able to watch over and protect me and my family and that I know he was with me the whole time while I was in China... particularly in the scary moments at the orphanage (except I think he was probably enjoying the fact that I was living on the edge).
I love you, Ryan. When I woke up this morning my thoughts were about him. Thank you for the peace that these wonderful memories give me. I am grateful for the thoughts I have had about being grateful for the times I had instead of the times I did not have.
Peace xoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxo